Sick.

Honestly, I've had indigestion since about two weeks ago.  And I've noted to myself that I have a serious inferiority complex! >_> I need to master that...

My middle sister's wedding is approaching and I feel so nervous! I have to drive 14 hours and all this stress is making me feel icky.  My mom and grandparent's keep stressing me out about the things I'll need to do... and on top of all of that... I dropped my poor Izaya (laptop) on his head and the screen broke.  I am still getting over that.

There is still time to be featured on my journal! I really want to feature you, so please take a peek at it! ^_^

I am going to wail on some personal stuff right now... mostly just beating it out of me.  I feel so completely.. inferior to everyone.  I feel like I apologize so much and it annoys everyone.  I was raised to be super polite and respectful, and now that I'm actually trying to be, I feel like I'm not myself! It feels uncomfortable to be so... chill, and never crack jokes around my co-workers.  I just feel very odd.  I've never held back around anyone before, and holding back around here freaks me out.  I don't know who I am half the time... @_@

I've been studying my Bible, and praying.  But I feel as if that isn't enough.  I keep telling myself I can do it, yet there is a little voice back there that whispers; "You'll never be good enough! You'll never be happy."  Because it seems like every time I find a small ounce of joy, it gets shredded from my hands.  Then there is me comparing myself.

I know I shouldn't, but I do it ALL the time.  With everything I do! And I never feel adequate at anything.  I have so many lovely watchers and friends who tell me I am good, and cheer me on... and I feel like I'm disappointing them because honestly? I don't believe in myself.

My insecurity has become worse lately, and I don't know how to fix it.  I feel like my job is great, but it also might be dragging me down.  I need to break free! Everywhere I look... I hear/see signs that it's time for me to go.  I fear though, fear about leaving my sister, fear about never having money ever again... I just... fear.  And I want to step outside that fear and become stronger!

Only... If I leave my sister, I'll be doing exactly what everyone else in my family has a talent for: Abandoning loved ones and never feeling sorry.

I can't do that.  I'll hate myself for the rest of my life.  But I feel caged.  Trapped.  I can't break free of it! And all the personal issues get worse when I struggle to understand other people... I sometimes can't believe some of the things I hear and see, and it makes me want to be a hermit! I'd rather know nothing about the world and live peacefully than know everything and die unhappy.

Ugh... I don't know.  I'm so confused.  I know I talk a lot about myself on here and I really wish I didn't, but I need to get this off my chest.  All I want to do is become an Author, travel the World and draw! But my dreams are becoming increasing shriveled and small... I've lost my way, and need to find the road I was on, so I can get back to being my insanely-cheerful-even-in-bad-situations-self!!

OK... that's it!

Wow... now I feel hungry.